Free"Balling"

So jumping out of the airplane was one of the best moments of my life. Jeff, Brian and Kevin and I went together. We had to wait around the majority of the morning until we were allowed to jump. Now I hate to admit this, but I was a little hungover. Still it was an incredible experience. You really can't describe it.

Saturday I went with Shamus to see Hitchcock's The Birds. He's a nice guy, who is slowly becoming a friend. Jeff seems to think he wants more, but I'm not getting those vibes yet, so I really don't think so. The movie was fun and I got to meet his friends. Since our softball league was having the tournament today, I needed to get to bed early. I got home and called Jeff as he was meeting the guy Todd that he has been talking to off and off for the past month now.

We both went to the softball tournament today and Jeff is all smiles. He says that his date was really nice and best of all "he has a spark". I'm happy for him, but I feel like my heart got sliced into 10,000 pieces. I've already accepted that he doesn't have feelings for me, and If I can't make him happy, I can only hope he finds happiness in someone else.

The softball tourament was the most exhausting day of my life. It was even harder than the triathlon I competed in. The best part was when I made an incredible save jumping into the air and catching a fly ball to left field. We actually made it all the way to the final game of the tournament. Played the appropiately named..."Lady Bulls". Final innning. Bases loaded. Two outs and we are down four runs. Unfortunately for our team, I was up at bat. I hit the ball directly to the pitcher and made the last out.

I don't know what made me more sad today, losing the game, or losing my heart.

Suicide Friday

So tommorow I risk my life and jump out of an airplane. What good does this do me? I've known for some time that some personal relationships in my life are about to change (Jeff and I are just way too close), but is change always a good thing? It's inevitable, and I can either support the change or resist and be miserable.

Had way too much to drink tonight...partly out of fear of jumping, partly becuase once you cross a certain drunken line, reasoning leaves you and you have no problem ordering the 3rd pitcher of beer. Or did Jeff order that? God knows I'm glad he lives so close to the bar. Nothing like walking home and not having to worry about a DUI.

That brings up the whole other feelings. Should I feel guilty that Jeff and I screwed around when he is meeting a potential new boyfriend tomorrow night? I actually do, and it's weird for me. I feel like this relationship/friendship may be doomed now that we had sex. Damn my sex drive! Things are getting weird. I feel it.

My feelings are caught up in this now, and I'm hurting myself.

Surviving Cancer

It's been three years. It still scares me that I'm supposed to be dead already. Today 3 years ago I quit my job the day after my last chemotherapy treatment, purchased a one way ticket to Africa (thank God I had the passport already), and fully accepted that I wasn't returning.

What the hell do doctors know anyway? 6 months to live my ass. 10% survival rate? I should have played the lottery instead of running up the credit card debt. I wasn't supposed to pay all this crap off. I was supposed to say fuck it...the government can collect from my ashes.

I can't be too mad though...I am alive. I still have two more years before I can be deemed a miracle, but as of the last check up I was listed as no evidence disease. Now I only wish I had the health insurance to actually get checked as often as I am supposed to.

It's funny how people treat you when you say you are living on borrowed time. I've told people that I'm in remission only to have them make the quickest excuse they can to get away. Get with the program people...Cancer is not communicable (is that even spelled right?)!

I'll never forget getting off that plane in Cape Town. I had studied African music, dance and culture in College and none of it prepared me for what I was about to see. The shantytowns and the homes made of discarded metal. Mom would have had a field day making artwork out of some of those people’s homes. I can hear her asking ”excuse me…can I have your roof?” I was just so damn angry with everybody I didn’t even enjoy the first few weeks. John was supposed to come with me to Africa, and hold my hand when I died, not say “I have to teach this semester…sorry…can I meet you there?”

No…no more blame. I was just as bad for not telling him I was going until the day I was leaving. We’ve made up, healed, and broken up. I do love him…I’m just not in love with him.

So as I do every year on this day, I ask myself what would I like to change if I was to die in six months. First up there has got to actually be in love. I’ve developed feelings for certain men; some who haven’t returned those feelings back, but have never really truly had the feelings of being in love. I thought I had recently…but only got my heart crushed in the wake. I wonder if it ever will happen? Anyone know any single, sane, attractive gay men?

Cleveland Blackout

Jeff and I talked earlier this week and he said that things were not going to work with the other guy. Other guy stood Jeff up for dinner and it was the last straw. So of course I sit here relieved, but still agonizing over what to do. I talk it out with a friend and he gives me the straight advice I need which is to just tell him how I feel. Easier said than done, as I've got some serious vulnerablilty issues, but I know it needs to be done.

So I decide that I would do it after our regular Thursday television show. I spend the day in Pittsburgh helping someone pick some things up at IKEA and when I get home...the lights are out. In fact, the lights are out all over the city. Cleveland is under a massive blackout.

I call Jeff and offer he come to my place, as I have more windows allowing a cross breeze, while his place has only one massive window. We go out to the local bar and have a few drinks before going back to my place though, as I need a bit of courage here.

It feels like it must be 100 outside, we have no air conditioning and no fans. Lying in my bed, we start talking...or should I say I start talking. I just start letting it all out...how jealous I was of this other guy, how miserable I was on their date, and explaining that I'm not sure what to do. As I'm speaking, I already know his response will be negative, but instead he doesn't really respond. What the hell is that all about? Say your damn feelings (even if you don't have any).

He did promise that he will never take me on one of his dates again. The pain from that weekend is still with me, and I just don't need to feel that bad. He can date other men (and I wouldn't stop him), but NEVER BRING ME ON ONE OF THOSE DATES AGAIN! He understood where I was coming from and agreed to that request.

So smart me would have then said goodnight and gone to sleep just a little dejected, but instead, we end up screwing around. Now I am really not in a good place and I can tell that I am on the steep hill to getting hurt. This sucks. I need to find a new prospective guy. I need to end the contact we have.

I just don't know where to go with this. I know he is interested in someone he has been conversing with online, but they haven't met yet (ahhh...online meetings...they are fun). Regardless, we need to spend a little less time together.

The Breakdown Continues

So I have a mental breakdown after going through a fit of jealousy seeing Jeff with the other guy. Jeff and I had arranged to go biking in the morning, but he never calls. After checking my email around 11:45, I see a message from Jeff that says "before you ask...no I didn't." Ok...I wait until 12:00 and say screw it...go by myself, then take myself to a movie and for the first time I am in better spirts after getting blown off.

After not hearing all day from him, I call Jeff around 6 to check on the start times of the games tomorrow...and he's still with the guy. Awkward moment, and the jealousy is completely back. Make an excuse and get off the phone.

I call my friend David (the voice of reason) and we agree that I just need to go out and have a good time without Jeff. Basically get him out of my mind and make a decision on if I should tell him my feelings or not.

So before going out, I head to the Starbucks down the street (there is somthing nice about having a coffee shop 5 houses away). Get there and run into a guy from the softball league, Mel. First question out of Mel's mouth "Where's Jeff?" My back arches like a cat and I begin hissing uncontrollably. I leave with Latte in hand.

I Meet David at the Grid, and I am starting to have a decent time when I run into Mel again. This time "I saw Jeff. He is at the other bar...with some guy." Really? Thanks for telling me. David and I move on to a different area, and low and behold, there is Jeff and his date.

World...please create a miniture Earthquake now. Just large enough to open a hole I can fall in. David tries to make a break for it, but we are caught and are stuck having a conversation with them. "Would you look at the time...I have an 8:00 game tomorrow. Good night." And home I went depressed and rejected. What am I doing to myself?

Rock Bottom

Well tonight I have sunk to my lowest. Jeff and I were going out to a club for drinks. The other Jeff, who blew him off for dinner the prior week called and asked to meet him there at the bar as well. Since this guy has flaked out and not shown up before, Jeff asked that I go in case he didn't show up. I went along, and somehow realized that I was on a date witht the two of them. Hello? THIRD WHEEL???

Worst part of the evening was was watching this date transpire, knowing where my feeling are. This is the worst I have ever felt. I am so jealous, and so miserable now. I don't know what is better...telling him how I feel or just hiding my feelings from him and hurting more. I never want to go on another of his dates ever again. What hole have I dug for myself?

Stuck in a Hard Place

So here I am...stuck in between a rock and a hard place. Jeff is interested in
someone else, and now we are going away for the weekend down to Cincinnati to go to Kings Island for a little Amusment Park therapy.

I wish Bruce was still around so I could talk to him. I don't want to spend the weekend with someone I have feelings for who doesn't return them. I keep trying to cool my feelings and instead I end up holding onto false hopes. If Jeff was interested, he would give me some type of signal...and that in itself is the problem. Having sex with me would be considered by most people to be a "signal". This is driving me nuts here.

Jeff isn't happy unless I'm stroking his ego, telling him how great he is, and never once does he really do anything for me. What am I getting out of the relationship?

This Seems Like My Life Lately

Loser

In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey
butane in my veins so i'm out to cut the junkie
with the plastic eyeballs, spray paint the vegetables
dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose
kill the headlights and put it in neutral
stock car flamin' with a loser and the cruise control
baby's in Reno with the vitamin D
got a couple of couches sleep on the love seat
someone keeps sayin' I'm insane to complain
about a shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
don't believe everything that you breathe
you get a parking violation and a maggot on your sleeve
so shave your face with some mace in the dark
savin' all your food stamps and burnin' down the trailer park
(yo cut it)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(double-barrel buckshot)
Soy un perdedor
i'm a loser baby, so why don't you kill me?
Forces of evil in a bozo nightmare
banned all the music with a phony gas chamber
'cuz one's got a weasel and the other's got a flag
one's got on the pole shove the other in a bag
with the rerun shows and the cocaine nose job
the daytime crap with the folksinger slop
he hung himself with a guitar string
slap the turkey neck and it's hangin' on a pigeon wing
you can't write if you can't relate
trade the cash for the beef for the body for the hate
and my time is a piece of wax fallin' on a termite
who's chokin' on the splinters
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(get crazy with the cheeze whiz)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(drive-by body pierce)
(yo bring it on down)
soooooooyy....
(I'm a driver I'm a winner things are gonna change I can feel it)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(I can't believe you)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
[repeat]
(Sprechen sie Deutches, baby)
Soy un perdedor
I'm a loser baby so why don't you kill me?
(Know what I'm sayin'?)